"my weakness is that i care too much..."

i know taking risks can be a good thing, but what about consequences? how do you weigh your options when one of the consequences could result in compromising yourself, who you've been, who you are? there's really no way to tell.

are there times when we should suspend the future, the consequences, the probability of failure in order to take a risk that you feel you can avoid or you don't want to avoid? i almost always make good decisions enlight of the consequences...but perhaps at the cost of negotiating the future, i miss present opportunities...

could consequences tomorrow be worth an experience today? could heartache next year be worth the opportunity to whole-heartidly encourage, support, cherish, adore, challenge, teach, learn, and grow?

how the hell am i supposed to know? that's my problem!!! i won't ever know...unless i try.

is it worth it? you tell me...

"I need to know and love you as you are, understand where you have been, accept who you have become and still invite you to grow." -- Anonymous: as quoted by a sixth grade grad speaker on the subjece of friendship

"We are all born ignorant, but one must work hard to remain stupid." -Benjamin Franklin.

Live as you would have wished to live when you come to die.

As I sat sipping espinacas soup from Chile with my dear Chilean friend, Cote, she spoke of life (for those who know her, she has a lot of experience to support her wisdom).

She told me of a theorist who suggests that we always have a role to play -- classmates, students, children, parents, employees, friends, etc. The only time that we are not filling a role occurs on our way to our destinations -- class, home, work, etc.

"Life happens because of the journey not the destination." Cliche yet true.

However, I find myself in a condundrum. As a Christian, I have been asked, and wonder myself, about the problem of pain. Many brilliant minds have wrestled with God and pain (CS Lewis being one of my favorites in The Problem of Pain). And yet I still don't comprehend the problem (as I may never)...is there a problem?

What am I to say to the woman whose husband was killed in a freak accident or whose child was abused because of circumstances beyond her control? I'll mention but will not dwell on natural dissasters.

Where's God when a little girl loses her virginity to her father? Where are You when that father was beaten by his father and neglected by his mother? Do you turn your back or close your eyes? Do you subdue or drown out their cries while you graciously answer the prayers of thriving Christians or busy blessing the middle-class, American, college student with enough money to pay for the education and preparation for a successful career in pursuit of the American dream? Are you blinded by your tears?

Do you provide the pain and the remedy?

You are not fully concerned with destinations or the millions who have accepted your forgiveness would be immediately boarded on the train past the great pearlies...If you were mainly concerned with destinations, Jesus would've come, saw, and conquered death in the blink of an eye. But no. He stuck around for more than thirty years. Destinations are not your focus, are they?

However, You're not completely void of the importance of destinations. Time keeps ticking, always moving forward. It never stops; it continues to take us to our destinations...always marching forward, never stopping for anyone or anything.

If everything is in Your presence with nothing excluded including time, than nothing is unknown to You. Time nor space bind You and Your knowledge, right? To know is to be aware, and awareness results with responsibility. IF that's true, then aren't You responsible for pain?

How can I be prepared to give a reason for the hope that I have when the hope and joy of the world, the Savior of the world bears a part in the circumstances of the child born into brokeness and abuse?

Eh, enough thinking for tonight...

These are merely thoughts...to have faith means I won't comprehend everything, which makes it faith. Who do I put my faith in?

Be a dreamer. If you don't know how to dream, you're dead.

I envy those who are born with a dream. From their formative years, a specific desire instilled within them motivates and guides their desicions. Then there's me. I have many dreams and ideas of what I want my life to look like, what I want to do, and how I want to do it.

For me, I am at a place in life where experience is invaluable. The more I expose myself to life and opportunities, the more I want to pursue every avenue that comes my way. However, we all know that choices keep us from pursuing each and every opportunity that presents itself.

I hope that through all this experience I've had and will have, a dream will begin (or continue to form). What do I want my life to look like? I've heard it said that we should begin as we mean to end. Perhaps this is the beginning of something for me...the beginning of letting go of finding my dream -- my end. I just want to live and stop trying to figure out everything.

I don't want a position or status right now. Right now, I want to be one among millions and understand an aspect of humanity that I've kept hidden in the dark corners of ignorance and arrogance. I want to live and breath this humanity. I want to embrace purpose in seemingly hopeless situations.

Accomplishments merely reflect work and ambition; they don't reflect me. They are not my identity; they are not my dream; they are not me.

Show me life; show me humanity; show me You.

serve this, buddy...

Throughout this past year, I've developed a dreadful mentality that, in retrospect, I regret; however, my new-found awareness of this mentality has got me thinking: I'm an ass (there's really no other word in my limited vocabulary that captures how I feel).

At what point this attitude began brewing, I'm not sure. For the good portion of my life, I have made good decisions, achieved various accomplishments, and developed a fairly respectable reputation. This is not my fault. My fault begins the moment I started using who I am to determine the worth of who you are.

Let me explain. A friend was talking about service. She heard some pastor say that the moment we start believing we (you and me) deserve something/one is the moment we begin to de-serve instead of to serve. Interesting.

My de-service began with a boy. He's not perfect, but he taught me a lot about life and love; he opened my eyes to the world of art and beauty, to the God who came to a hurt, broken, and perverted world and loved ALL in it. And yet, he doesn't meet my "standards" of a respectable man (really, I mean a potential husband). Therefore, I figured that somehow he's not worthy of my time because I'm better than him.

Of course, I didn't come out and say this (I'm not sure I was even aware of this development), but my attitude towards him began to change. Instead of calling him to hang out or talk, I figured if he doesn't call, it's his loss. Man, I used to love people regardless of where they were in life, regardless of what they had done. What happened to that? I am no better than anyone else. We all have strengths and weaknesses; we all have good and bad days.

I am no better than anyone else.

We all have something to offer. We all have something to learn. No matter what or who, that will never change. I'm saddened to think of all the truly unique people I forfeited the opportunity to know because my head was to high to notice; however, I'm working on missing no more precious opportunities.

So I say to those who know me, call me on it...plllleeeassseee!